By Kiel Majewski
Handball
Handball seems to be a combo of basketball, indoor soccer, rugby, and dodgeball. Best part is when someone makes a charge at the goal, jumps, and does these crazy contortions in midair before finally chucking the ball at the goalie, all before landing.
Shooting
In the shooting events like the air rifle competition, I don't understand something. When they send up the clay disc, sometimes it'll be a nice, juicy softball right down the middle, but sometimes all of a sudden they'll send out one that's way off to the side. The shooter will have to jerk over real quick and track it. I don't even see how they do that with those blinders on that limits their peripheral vision. Who makes the call on where the clay discs are sent out?
Cycling
This one American cyclist, Mara Abbott, was leading this grueling race for most of the time I was watching. It was crazy, like an 80 km race or something like that. She was 10 seconds ahead of everyone and I thought, Oh man, she's killing this. But the whole time, the commentators were saying, "Unfortunately, looks like Mara is going to get passed." Sure enough, with like 1 km left, this wolfpack of three cyclists passed her when she ran out of steam. She didn't even get a medal. I was devastated for her. When she's not racing, she works at the farmer's market in Boulder, CO. Crazy.
Synchronized Diving
It seems like some of these sports were created via middle school dares. Don't get me wrong, I think they're great - just insane. Take synchronized diving, for example. It seems hard enough to do a double pike triple axle quarter twist full lutz somersault dives. But then someone was like, "Oh yeah? Now you gotta get a partner and do the exact same dive at exactly the same time." It's absurd.
I'm typically only able to differentiate the greatness of the dives when the Chinese divers go off, because they're perfectly in sync and make no splash whatsoever. They somehow defy the laws of physics. Most of the time though I'll watch a pair of divers and think, Wow, that seemed pretty good. But as soon as they hit the water, the analysts will go off in a quiet, subdued way. Pretty sure I heard an exchange like this after a Ukrainian dive:
Australian analyst: Oh dear. My oh my.
British analyst: Goodness me. Not what they were hoping to do here in Rio. Such a shame.
Australian: They have almost certainly brought dishonor upon their families...and their country. A real pity.
And I'm just like, "What? It looked perfect to me." I think it's incredible enough that they walk out on this platform 10 meters up (33 feet for my 'Murican friends), walk out to the very edge, turn backwards, stand so that their heels are sticking out over the water, and no one ever falls. If my friends and I were having a diving competition, that alone would merit a medal.
Sidenote: Men's divers wear the least amount of clothing out of any competition that I've seen so far. They're basically wearing low-rise briefs with a touch less fabric. I'd think a significant amount of one's mental energy would be focused on making sure you don't emerge from the water speedo-less, right? It was always embarrassing to go swimming back in the day and fail to tie your drawstring tight enough, which you don't find out until you pull yourself out of the pool.
Anyway, the Chinese dudes shredded everyone, but my guys David Boudia and Steele Johnson took silver. Steele Johnson took the gold for "Best Porn Star Name." David Boudia is from Noblesville, Ind.
Water Polo
Certainly water polo has to be one of the most grueling sports, right? I mean, these people swim around and water-tackle each other for like an hour and a half without ever touching bottom. Man, I despised those fools back in the day who would go around and try to dunk everyone in the pool. That's kind of what's happening in water polo, except you never get a break from it by saying you need to go get another Capri Sun or Flavor-Ice pop. What is it about the juice left over in the bottom of the Flavor-Ice tube that is so good? It's literally like three milliliters of dyed sugar water, but man, it's so refreshing.
Volleyball
Volleyball has to feature the most camaraderie of any Olympic sport, right? After every single point, no matter who wins it, the entire team comes together to get hype and encourage each other. Impressive comeback by the US women's team yesterday.
Judo
Judo is basically the way my brother Jordan and I fought back in the day, turned into an Olympic sport. He's a year older than me, so we would play together all the time. Familiarity breeds contempt, so it was quite common for a game of Nerf basketball to end in a fight. Subconsciously we knew that it would be a bummer if either one of us killed or permanently maimed the other, so we had some unspoken ground rules, like no punching in the face. This basically seems to be the sum total rules for judo.
The two fighters face off in karate garments and just try to take each other down without punching each other in the face. It's mostly a lot of grabbing each other by the collar and then trying to trip each other, and it's amazing. The competitors look increasingly disheveled, like me after I get through TSA screening at the airport. Their karate shirts are all unbuttoned, some dude is quickly trying to put his karate belt back on, and another is just trying to put his shoes on and stuff his toiletries and laptop back in his bag before the people behind him start grumbling.
I saw part of a match between a Hungarian woman and a Chinese woman. The Hungarian was looking more and more dazed during her match. She'd get locked up with her Chinese opponent and the referee kept breaking them up, kind of like boxing. At one point the Hungarian faked like she was just walking back to her corner, then pivoted and went after the Chinese woman. It was amazing, especially since her hair was all messed up and she had an increasingly insane look in her eyes.
I watched the end of this one match between a Russian and a Georgian dude. Every few seconds, someone would end up on the mat. At one point, the Russian dude took an accidental jab to the face. The commentary was outstanding. It was a couple British or Australian dudes doing the play-by-play. The one said, "Oh, looks like the Russian caught a foreign figure to the eye." The other one said, "Well, you've got a lot of grabbing of the uniform, a lot of grappling with knees, legs, and elbows flying - you're bound to get a face or two in the way." Meanwhile this dude's eyeball is rolling around somewhere on the mat. "You're bound to get a face or two in the way." Amazing.
The Russian dude was winning 1-0 the whole time until 29 seconds left. He was just trying to run out the clock when the Georgian dude tripped him pretty good. They made the score 1-1 and everyone was freaking out. One of the analysts said, "Wow, I thought that would have been a higher score." Then all of a sudden they changed it to 10-1! I was like, Wait, is this like in Boy's Club basketball when the scoreboard operator (who happens to be the 10-year-old brother of one of the players) accidentally includes an extra zero? But no! The Georgian dude took down the Russian one more time and they made the score 100-1! The analyst said, "And that'll do it! The Georgian comes back to win!" The Russian dude just laid on the mat and cried. I was like, How is the score gonna go from 1-0 to 100-1 in 29 seconds???
Swimming
I also caught the Human Torso Michael Phelps advancing through one of the swimming heats. Dude's body shape is roughly equivalent to the Tasmanian Devil. Indiana University swimmer Lilly King made good on her Mutombo-style finger-wagging to the Russian woman that everyone hates. (Or if you'd prefer a Seinfeld reference, her Babu Bhatt-style finger-wagging.) King won gold and the Russian won silver. There were stare-downs galore in swimming last night. This South African dude Chad le Clos was super creepy. He was just standing right next to Phelps staring at him the whole time in the waiting area and even when they got out to the starting blocks. Couldn't tell if he hates him or is deeply infatuated with him.
Lots more action to come from Rio.